The Call to Something Deeper, Wilder
This past December, I had an experience of myself walking off the grid of my life and into the wilderness. It was both visual and energetic. It was startling, and yet, completely natural and familiar.
At the time, I wrote: “Today, there’s a sense of shifting ‘the grid’ of my life. I don’t mean the physical world of my life: I’m not going to get a divorce, move to a different city, close my businesses, etc. It’s a shift in my emotional grid, like I’ve been living my life with these pillars/guidelines in place and now I’m shifting into an new way of being. Words are failing me… The underpinnings of how I exist and make decisions is shifting, like there have been rules that have guided my life and those, which haven’t served for some time, have been replaced, with something deeper, wilder. It’s scary, unknown. I want to tug the old grid back: be safe, be safe. Be who everyone knows; be who they expect you to be. Don’t go off the grid into the wilderness. . .I feel more ease just saying the word ‘wilderness,’ like, Yes, Finally. It feels soft and mossy and grounded and like home.”
At the end of last year, things in my businesses were poised to integrate, transition and grow. The transition looked and felt smooth, seamless, effortless even. I am devoted to Shakti. I am devoted to my spiritual path and (relentlessly) to living my dharma. (I thought) I have surrendered more times than I can count. I had gotten comfortable running my law practice in flow, in divine timing. I had stop marketing my practice over 2 years ago because historically, it appeared to grow more effectively (and I was happier) when I didn’t. I had surrendered any idea that me working harder or more strategically at it positively affected the influx of clients. I had even taken a 6-week sabbatical last year and grown my practice’s revenue 85%. By most standards, I was already pretty deeply surrendered to Divine Guidance and Flow. (And, I taught it in The Yoga of Entrepreneurship.)
This year was going to be amazing. I could feel it: Nothing could stop the force of the integration and transition of all of my work into Ompreneur. It’s energy was powerful and strong, and then empty, still and clear—the exact integration to which I aspire—in my spiritual tradition, Shakti (divine feminine) and Shiva (divine masculine) dancing together—the yoga of entrepreneurship.
I had thought, then, that the deeper, wilder guidance was about shifting into even deeper Listening and Allowing. That it was about deeper embodiment of the mystical pieces (of the process of business and of myself). My mind was (is) still powerful. I am still powerfully trained and drawn to strategy and action. There is a rebalancing that needs to be struck, a deeper, more outrageous acceptance of the mystic—within me, and I believe, within the way we show up and conduct business and our economy.
I had thought, in other words, that the shift was Internal. That it would be, or needed to be External, did not occur to me.
The Wisdom given to me in December was, in fact, much more literal than I’d allowed. Natural beauty and open spaces—the mountains, the forest, the sea—had been calling me for some time. My husband and I had talked off and on for several years about moving out of Atlanta, about spending the summers near my family on the Seacoast of NH. We talked about traveling; we talked about taking advantage of being able to work anywhere. And then, we stayed put; we waited to grow our businesses more; we waited to afford a place in Atlanta and a place in NH. Then three weeks ago, my husband and I (finally) decided to walk off the grid of our lives—to not wait to explore and to experience the new and the unknown, and simply the different—to use the freedom and the flexibility and the income we already have to live more of the life we truly want, rather than insisting and focusing on how to create more. We are camping cross country through the National Parks until July when we’ll settle in Portsmouth, NH for the rest of the summer, and likely the rest of the year.
The desire to move, to wander, to not be tied to one place, felt right down to my core, as if I had finally, consciously said, Oh, yes, of course, to a core piece of myself. In the days following our decision, the Wild Mother Kali called to me: You’re mine. You have always been mine. And I whispered back: I am Yours. I am Coming.
Then yesterday, the knowing: It is the Journey that is the Teacher.
Today, we embark. Teach Me.
I invite you to walk with me on this journey. I’ll be blogging about our travels, our transition, and their teachings.